Tirrenia

You go to the beach just once in Italy, and you will see it all. I promise.

Maureen announced that SHE had seen it all today in the short time we spent at Bagno Europa on the Pisan seaside.

We had originally planned to get up extra early and go to Forte Dei Marmi where there is a special market on Wednesdays, upscale crap as opposed to the 'everything's a euro, Chinese crap.' The plan was to find a bagno, leave the car, hit the market and then be on the beach by noon. This, however, didn't happen because a) I am lazy and getting up TWO days in a row before 10 usually doesn't happen, and b) (the reason I prefer) is that our beach towels were trapped in the washing machine and we couldn't get them out the night before to let them dry. So, when I went downstairs this morning to try yet again to free the towels from their forced captivity, I was pleased to see that Vivetta had already sprung them and they were nearly dry and on the clothes line in the boiler room. With two neon green beach towels in hand, I marched upstairs and announced that the beach trip was back on. Only now, we would just sit in the sun in Tirrenia. This was probably a good thing because this way, we would not be tempted to spend money on crap we would just have to cart around with us for the next three weeks.

Thirty minutes later, give or take, we were on the sand directly in front of the sea. It being a week day, there were not so many people as one would expect on a Saturday or Sunday. But, this is not to say that we were not without ample viewing options.

1) The pre-pubescent "tattooed" girls: Yes, parents not only allow, but also encourage their under 12 daughters to get "tattooed" by passing Asian women on the beach. We saw not fewer than 10 kids with stars, flowers, celtic crosses and even a tramp stamp decorating their young, virgin skin.

2) The topless women: Old, young, fat, thin. It is a varitable all-comers welcome on the topless front. I guess even grannie shuns tan lines. What puzzles me, though is that as a rule, it seems that you sunbathe topless, but dress to go in the water. Don't ask me why this is, I just witnessed it over and over again.

3) The bikini: Old, young, fat, thin. The more inappropriate your body type is, the more likely you are to don a bikini. Maureen even saw a woman pushing 70 in a sequined number. It is like alumnae night at the Copacabana at Bagno Europa!

4) Hair: Many women in Europe do not shave. This is not surprising, until you are literally face to face with a 40 year old woman with hairy pits sitting with her hands unabashedly resting on the back of her neck. This one falls under the category of "yes, I know it happens, I just really don't want to see it. Close up." Also, hairy backs on men are very popular.

5) Beach vendors: Number 5 on my list is really a polite term. They are not really vendors, but more like purveyors of fake bags, belts, sunglasses, and CDs, as well as crap one might find in the 'everything's a euro Chinese crap' market. In Italian, they are called Vu' compra' (vuoi comprare-- do you want to buy). They are mostly African men between the ages of about 18 and 35. They are usually dressed in very heavy garb, with long sleeves and pants. Your heart breaks for them, because you know that life had to have been really terrible wherever they came from to endure the hell of being a 'traveling salesman' on the beach. But, you cannot buy anything because it is essentially illegal and as a costumer, you could get fined for buying, and besides, by buying, you are just perpetuating the cycle of criminality. (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/13/business/worldbusiness/13iht-fake.html?_r=1)

Vu' compra' s are not the only ones roaming the seaside. You will also find Asian woman giving massages and henna tattooes (see number one above). Nothing says 'relaxing' to me like being manhandled by a small woman pounding out your kinks while you bake in the hell-like heat on the beach in front of about a thousand strangers. But, people do it, I guess...

6) The 55 year old lifeguard: The median age for the bagnino (lifeguard) at Club Europa is about 55. He is in great shape, no doubt, but something just makes me a little nervous about the lifeguard who is a- smoking Marlboro Reds on the sand, and b- looks like he might expire himself on his way out to rescue a drowning, tattooed 12 year old girl.

The beach is the perfect place to go to get life affirming positive reinforcement. Yes, there is someone for everyone, evidenced by the fact that the bearded woman has not only a husband, but also a gaggle of kids (some of whom are not even tattooed). Yes, you can feel good about your body, no matter how big, small, wrinkly, or hairy it might be. But, no matter how bad life is, it can't be all bad, because at the end of the day, you are on a beach, in Italy!